The Secret Of Monkey Island: The Sword Master's Insults

*For the best results, don’t fight like a dairy farmer OR a cow.*

The Art of Insult Sword Fighting

For Part One of The Secret of Monkey Island, some important-looking pirates give Guybrush Threepwood three tasks to complete to become a real pirate: defeat the Sword Master of Melee Island, stealing an idol from the governor of Melee Island, and finding the Treasure of Melee Island. This guide will help you complete the trial of swordplay and defeat Carla, the Sword Master of Melee Island.

The Monkey Island series is infamous for its Insult Sword Fighting battle system, and this game – the first installment of the series – is where it originates. You will have to learn insults from passing pirates on the road, and once you have enough, find the Sword Master and defeat her.

*Earning money can be painful sometimes.*

Buying Your Sword

Before you leave the bar, go into the kitchen when the cook leaves and grab the pot under the table. You’ll need it for later. Also, out the kitchen’s back door, there is a seagull next to a fish, which is another thing you’ll need later. To get the fish, walk all the way to the right of the pier, and click on the bottom plank. The seagull will bounce upwards from the loose plank. Keep doing this until the seagull has enough airtime for you to grab the fish before it comes back.

Now, start your journey by leaving the bar and going left across the bridge to the cliff. From here, exit and you’ll get the full map view of Melee Island. Go to the light labeled “clearing”.

The circus is in town, and it’s run by the Fettucini brothers. They want to shoot you out of a cannon. This is a great idea, since you have a helmet! What helmet, you ask? Give them the pot. They will fire you out of the cannon, and then pay you 478 pieces of eight for your trouble. All it costs you are a few brain cells. Now you have more than enough to buy a sword.

Now go back to the village, and pass the bar to go through the arch on the right. Next, head left through the other archway until you reach the town. Walk into the alley to have a run-in with the local sheriff, Fester Shinetop. Next, enter the shop. Grab the sword from the wall and then ring the bell to call the shopkeeper. Pay him 100 pieces of eight for the sword.

*Unorthodox training makes for a smart fighter. Just don’t wave your sword around like a feather duster.*

Finding a Teacher

Since we have a sword now, we finally get to learn how to use it. Leave the village and go to the path, and then go to the house on the east side of the island. On the way there, you’ll come across a bridge guarded by a troll who demands a toll. He wants something that will attract attention but be of no real importance. Not to worry – you have a red herring for him to chase, literally. Give him the fish to pass and continue to the house.

Captain Smirk asks for 30 pieces o’ eight for training, and then he will teach you the real secrets of swordfighting. The truth? Swordfights are not won by skill with a sharp blade, but by skill with a sharp tongue. You must learn insults and replies to defeat your opponents’ pride. He gives you a few to start with, but you’ll need more than that to take on the Sword Master.

Go out into the island map and click on wandering pirates to fight them. If you don’t know the answer to an insult, choose a lame answer like “I am rubber, you are glue” and you might learn a new question. Similarly, use insults on pirates to learn new responses to use against new questions.

The following chart has all the insults and responses you can learn. It’s best to know a lot of them to have a decent chance of beating the Sword Master.

Pirate Insults and Replies

Insults	Replies
You fight like a dairy farmer.	How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
People fall at my feet when they see me coming!	Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
Nobody’s ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.	You run THAT fast?
Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?	Why? Did you want to borrow one?
I’m not going to take your insolence sitting down!	Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!	And I’ve got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?
You make me want to puke.	You make me think somebody already did.
I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.	He must have taught you everything you know.
You have the manners of a beggar.	I wanted to make sure you’d feel comfortable with me.
Soon you’ll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!	First you’d better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!	So you got that job as janitor, after all.
I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!	I hope now you’ve learned to stop picking your nose.
I’ve heard you were a contemptible sneak.	Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all.
You’re no match for my brains, you poor fool.	I’d be in real trouble if you ever used them.
There are no words for how disgusting you are.	Yes, there are. You just never learned them.
I’ve spoken with apes more polite than you!	I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

*The Sword Master, whose last fight ended with her hands covered in blood. Certified nose picker, that one.*

Challenging the Sword Master

Once you feel like you’ve learned enough insults and comebacks, go challenge the Sword Master, Carla. You’ll need to find out where she lives.

Go back to the shop and ring the bell to talk to the shopkeeper. He’ll go off and find her, but what you really need to do is follow him there. When you get to the path, go to the fork near the crossroads (it’s not marked on the map, but hover your mouse around and you should find it), then follow the shopkeeper’s every move.

When you get there, talk to Carla, who will fight you as long as you’ve won at least three battles with random pirates. She will have insults that are different from normal (shown in the table below), but your replies will still work against her as long as they make sense in context. It will take five correct answers to win.

When you win, you’ll earn a 100% cotton T-shirt that you can show to the important-looking pirates as proof. Well done!

Sword Master Insults and Replies

Insults	Replies
I’ve got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today.	And I’ve got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?
I will milk every drop of blood from your body!	How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
Every word you say to me is stupid.	I wanted to make sure you’d feel comfortable with me.
I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.	“Even BEFORE they smell your breath?” or “I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion”.
My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!	“So you got that job as janitor, after all” or “Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all”.
If your brother’s like you, better to marry a pig.	You make me think somebody already did.
I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.	Why, did you want to borrow one?
I’ve got the courage and skill of a master swordsman.	I’d be in real trouble if you ever used them.
Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.	I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion.
There are no clever moves that can help you now.	Yes, there are. You just never learned them.
My tongue is sharper than any sword.	First you’d better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!	Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
Only once have I met such a coward!	“He must have taught you everything you know” or “I’m glad to hear you attended your family reunion”.
No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.	You run THAT fast?
My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.	“I hope now you’ve learned to stop picking your nose” or “Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?”
My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!	Too bad no one’s ever heard of YOU at all.